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Dr. Gary Chapman
has identified five "languages"
by which love is expressed in our lives. They are:
Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love
Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You
look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I
love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to
feel loved.
Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words
of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples:
reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on
a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an
important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,”
offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and
develop greater confidence.
Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your
energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife
is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your
mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute
of quality time being shared.
Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It
involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a
friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but
offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening.
Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a
sympathetic listener.
An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order
for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with
your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and
inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and
quality time with your mate.
Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates
feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities
that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer,
and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can
reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or
playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language
that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will
ensure a happy marriage.
Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this
love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression
of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel
that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily,
this love language is one of the easiest to learn.
If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to
learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a
spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a
person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough
time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of
love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not
in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.
The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate
desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same
trials and experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very
powerful physical symbol of love.
These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t
even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if
your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign
of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your
relationship.
Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression
of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash
require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus
demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble
chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your
mate.
Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service
Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of
service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each
other around the house, couples will still fight because the are
unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For
example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking to dog,
but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior
necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many
other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s
dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your
love.
It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not
obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of
guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a
language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the
kindness of your heart.
Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the
stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves
into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from
their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to
your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship.
Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from
their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical
touch can make or break the relationship.
Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage.
However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the
body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover
how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically
responds to these touches.
It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch
language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate.
Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big
acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as
touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn
how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of
this love language.
All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is
very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense
amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is
physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than
offer any advice.
It is important to remember that this love language is different for
everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily
what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s
dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and
other physical contacts.
Love Languages 30-second assessment
Five Love Languages Quiz
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